Being self-aware

Emotional intelligence red flags: common signs to watch out for

8 minutes

Do you often blame others when something goes wrong? Or perhaps think others are so sensitive to your comments that they’re practically overreacting? Is it annoying when people expect you to know how they feel right away? When conflict happens, is it hard to navigate?

If your answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may want to reflection on your emotional intelligence. The good news is that even if your level of emotional intelligence isn’t ideal, it doesn’t mean that you can’t build the capability to support your development.

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to recognise, understand, and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the ability to recognise, understand, and influence the emotions of others. It involves a set of skills and competencies that contribute to effective interpersonal relationships, communication, and overall well-being.

American psychologist Daniel Goleman said:

What really matters for success, character, happiness and lifelong achievements is a definite set of emotional skills – your EI — not just purely cognitive abilities that are measured by conventional IQ tests.

Why does emotional intelligence matter?

Emotional intelligence (EI) is also known as emotional quotient (EQ). Like general intelligence, EI varies among individuals, and it can impact various aspects of personal and interpersonal dynamics.

People with lower emotional intelligence may encounter challenges in accurately identifying emotions, understanding the feelings of others, and expressing and respecting emotional needs. These difficulties can contribute to issues within relationships, affecting communication and connection.

Keep in mind, however, that having lower emotional intelligence doesn’t imply being a bad or uncaring person. You may just find it more difficult to process and handle your emotions. Emotional intelligence is a learned skill, and you can work to develop and strengthen your emotional muscles over time. Just as one can enhance cognitive abilities through learning and practice, the same applies to emotional intelligence.

What are the signs of lower emotional intelligence?

It can be difficult to assess your level of emotional intelligence because we always think that it is part of our personality. And more often than not, people with lower EI may not take time to self-reflect or may not take on feedback readily.

Here are the classic symptoms you need to be aware of:

Difficulty processing emotions

People with low emotional intelligence may struggle to interpret and make sense of their own feelings and those of people around them. They find it hard to understand how they feel and what to do with how they feel, so they have a tendency to have emotional outbursts. These outbursts are the result of their frustration and lack of ability or skills to manage their emotions.

Difficulty responding to emotions

People with low EI have limited ability to empathise, so they are often seen as insensitive by others. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that they don’t know how. Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others, and people with low EI may find it challenging to connect with and understand the emotional experiences of those around them.

For instance, they may have difficulty picking up on subtle emotional cues, making it impossible for them to provide the support or comfort that others may need. This is why they often come across as indifferent or unaware of the emotional needs of others.

Not knowing the triggers of emotions

In people with low EI, there is a disconnect between emotions and logic. They can't understand what causes certain feelings. They have difficulty pinpointing the factors or events triggering specific emotions, and a lack of awareness regarding the root causes of emotional responses.

As a result, they don’t know how to manage emotional responses in various situations, potentially resulting in unpredictable behaviour. What may seem like an appropriate response to them may be rude or awkward for the general public.

Frequent mood changes

Rapid mood fluctuations are a sign of emotional intelligence issues. This is characterised by an inability to maintain emotional stability in various situations and frequent emotional outbursts as discussed above. These rapid mood changes, like sudden bursts of anger, frustration, or sadness, reflect the person’s inability to manage their emotional stability, especially in the face of everyday stressors.

Can’t express personal opinions confidently

People with high emotional intelligence (EI) demonstrate the ability to assert themselves and are confident enough to express what they want. But people with low emotional intelligence struggle to understand and manage their own emotions, making it difficult for them to navigate social dynamics and effectively convey their needs and desires. They don’t have the emotional capacity and confidence to say or do what they want. They can be seen as lacking consultation or being a bit of a bulldozer.

Can’t accept criticism

People who struggle with emotional intelligence issues may find it hard to accept well-intentioned feedback, preventing their personal and professional growth. A high emotional quotient involves the ability to acknowledge and learn from constructive criticism without feeling attacked personally.

It also means that people with high EI maintain a level of self-awareness that allows them to separate their intrinsic worth from external evaluations, so they don’t get personally affected by any feedback. But. people with low EI don’t know how to handle constructive criticism and they turn defensive in response to feedback. They consider criticism as a personal attack because they can’t separate their personal identity from the critique received.

Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time

One of the symptoms of a low EI is difficulty expressing ideas clearly. People with EI problems can’t articulate their thoughts and ideas coherently and struggle to communicate effectively, leading to misunderstandings.

They also tend to make inappropriate or insensitive remarks due to their lack of awareness of social cues and appropriate timing in communication. They can’t pick up on subtle emotional cues from others, as well as non-verbal signals and expressions, so they don’t fully grasp the situation.

Fixating on mistakes instead of learning

Emotionally intelligent people detach themselves from their mistakes but do not forget them. This allows them to adapt and make adjustments for future success.

However, people who find it difficult to let go of mistakes have lower emotional intelligence. They keep dwelling on past mistakes without remembering the lessons from that experience. In the end, they keep on repeating the same mistake, making them stuck and stagnant.

Easy to anger

People with low emotional intelligence may be quick to anger because they often struggle to accurately identify and understand their own emotions, which can lead to frustration and confusion.

On top of that, they can’t regulate and manage their emotions effectively. So once they’re faced with a challenging situation, they respond with anger as a default emotional reaction.

Pessimism and loss of motivation after setbacks

Emotional intelligence involves the ability to bounce back from setbacks or failures, which is also known as emotional resilience. Those with low EI struggle to cope with the emotional impact of failures or setbacks, which contributes to a negative outlook and a sense of hopelessness. Because of this, they are hesitant or even afraid to try again.

Keep in mind that the presence of one of these symptoms does not automatically indicate low emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is a multifaceted trait. Various factors, including individual differences, life experiences, and current circumstances, can influence emotional responses.

It is common to exhibit some of these characteristics at different points in our lives or in specific situations. What is important is to remember that emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed and improved over time with self-awareness, practice, and a commitment to personal growth. If you find yourself experiencing these signs, consider it an opportunity for self-reflection and growth rather than a fixed aspect of your personality. Most importantly, seek support.

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