Why can’t I help but be defensive, and how can I manage it?
Why can’t I help but be defensive, and how can I manage it?
5 minutes
You’re in a one-on-one, or maybe a team meeting. Someone offers a piece of feedback or speaks up with a comment about something you said or did. Before you even respond, you feel it in your body. Your jaw tightens. Your chest constricts. Your thoughts race. You’re not just listening anymore. You’re preparing your defence.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Even experienced leaders feel defensive at times. It’s a very human reaction, especially when feedback touches something that matters to us.
Defensiveness is a form of self-protection. It shows up when we feel criticised, exposed or misunderstood. But while it might make sense in the moment, it often gets in the way of what we care about most. It can damage relationships, block learning, and create tension in conversations where connection and clarity are needed.
For leaders, unexamined defensiveness can have broader impacts. It can discourage your team from speaking up, make feedback feel risky, and quietly erode trust over time.
When we feel defensive, it’s not just a mindset. It’s a physiological response. Our body senses a threat, even if it’s just a difficult conversation, and activates our stress response. Daniel Goleman’s work in emotional intelligence refers to this as an “amygdala hijack” – our emotional brain taking the wheel before our rational mind has a chance to weigh in.
The good news is that this response doesn’t have to control the outcome. The key is noticing it, naming it, and then deciding what to do next.
You don’t need to ignore or suppress your defensiveness. In fact, the more you try to push it down, the more power it often has. The goal is to become more aware of when it shows up and why. With awareness, you can create just enough space to choose how you respond.
It could be as simple as pausing to breathe, noticing a physical sensation, or asking yourself what story you’re telling in your head. These small moments of reflection are what help shift a defensive reaction into a more thoughtful response.
Changing how you respond to others doesn’t happen overnight. But, you can start small. The next time you feel defensive, try to get curious instead of reactive. What was said that triggered the feeling? What might be going on beneath the surface?
To help you build this awareness, here are six grounding questions you can ask yourself to manage your defensiveness. It’s designed to help you recognise your defensive patterns and respond with more clarity and perspective. You can use it to help you unpack those tricky moments and return to a more grounded, constructive place. Or, you can use it to reflect on past conversations..
Being defensive doesn’t make you a bad leader. But learning to notice and work through it is a powerful way to become a more open, thoughtful and trusted one.
Zucker, R. (n.d.). How to not be defensive. Next Step Partners. Retrieved from https://nextsteppartners.com/how-to-not-be-defensive/
Davey, L. (2023). Understanding defensive behavior in the workplace. Liane Davey. Retrieved from https://lianedavey.com/understanding-defensive-behavior-in-the-workplace/
